Chapter 23
Bolivia & Peru
Why why why Delilah

Why why why Delilah




I said I wouldn't write, but I just have to give you the following QUIZ, for which there is a special prize for the 58th. person to respond:

There follows 5 text/transcripts of dialogues, which need to be matched with the following descriptions:

a.) A conversation I overheard between 2 English (note that I am not abusing Americans or Germans this time!) 'travellers'.

b.) A monologue by the stupid English bint referred to in 'a.'

c.) A monologue I uttered loudly from the next table upon hearing 'a.' and 'b.'


d.) A contribution from a friend on how to survive on a BMW in South America. (Special bonus point if anyone can identify the author).

e.) A few words copied out of a book I'm reading at the moment (again special bonus for identifying author and title, as well as where the other copy of it was stolen from me)

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Text 1: May I suggest carrying a barrel of burning butimastic heavy hydrocarbon residue on the front mudguard of your motorcycle. In this way, erratic local drivers will mistake you for a sulphurous brimstone-belching demon and do their best to avoid you. Furthermore, as you heat up, you will become less dense, and therefore you will tend to float in air, thus avoiding damage from major potholes. An added benefit will be that should your sub frame develop fatal cracks once more, a judiciously direct fart ignited by said barrel will act as a handy portable oxyacetylene torch, thus enabling you to complete infield repairs as well as creating stunning skids in your undies.


Text 2: Well actually. It was bus ride from hell actually. 17 hours standing in the driver's compartment; the driver chewing coca leaves, getting hyper stressed, driving, driving, brum, brum. I desperately needed a pee. I said to the driver 'Señor, I must pee!' 'Later later around the next corner'. 'How far is the next corner?'. 'Half an hour'. '2 hours later'. I cried. I was hysterical..... (Text repeated n-times where n > infinity, when she realises nobody in the pub is listening.)

Text 3: .....because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say commonplace things, but burn burn burn.......

Text 4: Actually that's nothing. My bus journey was 58 hours and I single-handedly had to lift the bus with one hand while changing the flat tyre with the other, all while fending off a herd of psychopathic llamas chanting 'Why why why Delila?'.


Text 5:
Well actually, I buy exclusively Calvin Klein. I go to the biggest department store and buy stuff for everyone. I even have complete strangers emailing me to buy it and send it to them in England. All sorts; lurid colours are in...

No, in England, it is only black and white that will sell...

Well actually, in the States everybody wears all sorts of weird stuff. Yellow and see-through green and well... You wouldn't buy crochless panties...

Well you wouldn't buy that in a department store.

No, of course not. But you shouldn't be ashamed to shop for underwear.....

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Oh yeh, I nearly forgot. Since I last wrote, I paid 12 bucks for 5 hours welding of the old goats bum (the 'ex' is now called 'goat'), zoomed across the Salar de Uyuni, bought some dynamite in Potosi, inspected dinosaur footprints and cruising here and there in Bolivia.

I also steered the goat through a snowstorm and down (and up again) the allegedly 'Most dangerous road in the world' into the Yungas(according to the less than worldly 'Looney Planot' guidebook/bike sidestand stuck in the mud support). It is as dangerous as any other road: Every road is perfectly safe as long as you don't decide to suddenly decelerate or leave it (Having tried both options - see Kenya/Ecuador - I recommend neither!).


Since the day before yesterday, we are back in the capital of Inca/Tourist land, namely Cusco. The Peruvians are (a.) Much more friendly than the Bolivians (although they weren't bad: just a bit miserable) and (b.) Still haven't learnt how to drive: as somebody may have commented in the past: Nearly every Peruvian drives like a P*** Poor Driving W***er.

I hope to stay in the sierra and head for Ayacucho, Huancayo, Huaraz etc. and then take several boats via Iquitos, Manaus, Belem to the Atlantic. Brazil meets TheBrightStuff? How will they react?

Watch this space.

Mucho bananas mi amigos,

CB, Norm and Goat

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